It is difficult to explain the difference in the passage of time when things take longer to think about and do. Everything is elongated but time passes at the same pace for those around me. Sometimes it’s like living life in slow motion and everything is whizzing around you like when you are in an accident and the motion slows.
Tenth Avenue North-Worn- song and video
I constantly look for better and faster ways to do things. I want to cut corners and do things efficiently so I have time for all the things I want to include in my life. Others have more time for things they want to include in their lives without even thinking about it. They do them in a whisper of time. I until recently would run through the whole gamut of emotions-out of control, helpless, anger, jealousy, depression, anxiety, overwhelmed, despair, fear, to name a few- when I would experience/ need to do something that would trigger the feeling of not being able to perform in the same way and speed as those around me.
I want to hide and hunker down in a safe place until I can figure out how I need to approach it and do the thing that triggered my delay. You don’t really want to tell anyone because they judge you and don’t think you’re capable. So you’re alone a lot, even in a crowd. You are alone in your thoughts, not lost, just thinking, but things and people keep living, talking, working around you, damn. Can’t it stop just for a bit until I can catch up!!
Don’t get me wrong. I have obtained my goals but until the last couple of years I pushed myself like a slave-driver and I did miss things in life to obtain some of my goals. I lost a lot of sleep and believed pleasing people to give them what they wanted would protect me. I gave them the performance they wanted, I gave them the image and mannerisms they expected to make them comfortable so I could fit in to their world of fast moving and competitive environment. I did and I didn’t, Why? Because in that world you’re great in one person’s mind and not in another. It is not a stable variable. I learned you can’t trust and depend or count on them. I am not perfect and no one is. I was holding myself to a standard too high in order to protect myself against criticism and judgement; because of my processing disorder I am hypersensitive to someone telling me I am not performing well enough. It made me drive myself harder and longer.
I finally came to the end of myself and even as a Christian, having a long standing relationship with Christ and being filled with the Holy Spirit. I just didn’t get how He could work out all of these issues in my life. So many scriptures I read about not having anxiety, fear, that I was His handiwork and He had a great path all planned out for me. He had done amazing things in my life, protected me in my rash impulsive behaviors, lead and guided me in so many things. I definitely believed I was doing exactly what He wanted me to, but I still suffered and had little enjoyment or peace. I just had a hard time trusting Him because He allowed and created this processing disorder in me without giving the adults or me any direct and concrete ideas on how to handle it. How bad would it get? How much more suffering would I have to live through. I wanted it to stop. How was I suppose to do all the things I needed to, I tried to gain His strength through the Holy Spirit, but I was exhausted….
But Then God…. to be continued
Kari Jobe- I Am Not Alone- Song and video